


We've All Kept Secrets

by MissysTardis



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-04 04:55:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17298173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissysTardis/pseuds/MissysTardis
Summary: Tw: self harmZelda was ready to give up hope - her slender frame wracked with sobs, a wave of nausea rolled over her, bile rising to her throat.She felt so alone. So goddamn alone.





	1. Zelda's Secret

**Author's Note:**

> Set after s1 ep9, where Zelda and Mary both have a huge crush on each other.

Zelda was ready to give up hope - her slender frame wracked with sobs, a wave of nausea rolled over her, bile rising to her throat.

She felt so alone. So goddamn alone. Who did she have? No one. The answer is bloody no one.

Faustus didn't love her, all he did was use her, to him she was just another one to have sex with. Hilda was busy, and Zelda didn't blame her, she had a job, a boyfriend, she had a life. Sabrina was busy with school, so was Ambrose, and he had a boyfriend to be with.

She felt tears fall on her dress, it was a lovely navy colour, with delicate sleeves and a zipper in the back. That zipper tempted her fingers, she so desperately wanted to unzip it, expose her back just enough. But Zelda knew it was pointless, Hilda had taken her lovely whip and hidden it Satan knows where.  
"No, no" she muttered under her breath, last time Hilda caught her, told her not to, told her it was bad, but it's wasn't like she needed telling, she knew these habits weren't good, but that's what they were, habits, and Satan knows they were hard to drop.

Zelda caved. She rummaged though every draw and cupboard her sister had, she looked through every crack and hole in the house. Normally this sort of noise would cause someone to turn their head, but everyone was away, Hilda was working, Ambrose was on a date, and Sabrina, only Satan knows where she was off to.

Zelda turned the house upside down to find this whip, until she gave up on her pointless search and grabbed the nearest sharp object. A knife, a simple sharp blade. She carried it to her room, sitting down on her bed, facing the mirror. She placed the knife next to her before unzipping her dress and pulling her arms put of the sleeves allowing the delicate fabric to pool around her hips.

She took the blade, and ran it slowly across her wrist, blood dripped onto the floor, mixing with tears, and her walls, the walls that held her up, made her strong just... collapsed.

But it wasn't all pain, adrenaline rushed to her brain making it buzz, the same way it did years ago, when she used to feel things.

She looked up and saw herself in the mirror, and oh Satan she looked a mess. Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks were stained with tears. Her eyes met her own in the mirror, and somehow managed to to give her a condescending look.

The knife glowed crimson in her pale hands. It felt good. She knew it wasn't for long, she knew the guilt that would plague her afterwards. But for now. For now she felt good.

So that's how she continued, lining up little red soldiers on her wrists, she counted each one under her breath, as though she was collecting them.

All of a sudden she heard the front door open. She scrambled to clean everything up, shoving the knife under her pillow, putting her dress back in and grabbing some tissues to clean the blood off the floor before putting those under her pillow too. She could feel the blood seep into the sleeves of her dress, but it just blended in with deep navy shade.

Zelda went downstairs, she was greeted with Hilda's beaming smile.  
"So Zelds, how was being home alone? Nice and relaxing I hope, away from all the chaos for a bit" Hilda chuckled  
"Yes, of course, quite refreshing" she replied, and as the words escaped her lips, guilt hit her like a truck, she hated lying to Hilda, but she didn't want to worry her either, so she settled for lies.  
"Is everything alright, you look like you've been crying" said Hilda  
"Oh, don't worry, just allergies, pollen is everywhere this time of the year" replied Zelda, plastering on a fake smile and filling Hilda's ears with a fake laugh.

So came the end of that day for Zelda, and all she managed was to lay in her bed filled with guilt.

The night passed, mostly sleepless for Zelda. Her pillow was stained with tears in the morning, and her mind was still racing with yesterday's thoughts.

Behind her front door stood Lilith, or Mary Wardwell as Zelda knew her. She'd come to give Sabrina a book, and maybe catch a glance of Zelda, she might just have had a tiny crush on her. Oh who was she kidding, she had a huge crush on a Zelda.

Zelda heard a knock on the door, it was way too early on a Saturday morning for anyone to be at her house, she almost brushed it off as her ears playing tricks on her before she heard the knocking again. She made her way to the front door, making sure you couldn't see her wrists through the sleeve of her shirt. She opened up the door and was greeted with Mary  
"Hi, sorry to be a nuisance, I was wondering if Sabrina was home? She asked for a book to borrow and I've just got it here" she explained  
"No I think she's staying at Suzy's" replied Zelda.  
"Oh, ok I'll be off then" said Mary.  
"Oh no, please stay, I'll make you a cup of tea" replied Zelda.  
"No no, it's ok I don't want to be a bother" she replied.  
"It's nothing, just come in" said Zelda.  
So Mary walked into the rather large estate.  
"Here, take a seat" said Zelda gesturing to her couch while filling the teacup with boiling water. Mary sat down before Zelda joined her.  
"So how is Sabrina doing school-wise?" Asked Zelda  
"Oh she's doing as great as usual" replied Mary  
"That's always good to hear" said Zelda.

Zelda looked into Mary's deep blue eyes, so deep she almost drowned in them, but it took her smile, the way she sat, the way she spoke, and the way that she did everything with elegance and poise for Zelda to realise she might just have a little crush.

Zelda realised her mind had been racing she hadn't heard Mary's last sentence.  
"I'm sorry, could you repeat that please?" She asked  
"Oh, I was just wondering how you've been" replied Mary  
"Oh, just fine, how about you?" Replied Zelda, although she was mostly trying to convince herself that she was just fine.  
"I'm doing well thanks" replied Mary  
"Oh, the tea will probably be done now" said Zelda before disappearing into the kitchen and returning with 2 cups of tea.

So they sat, talking about nothing, before Hilda came downstairs.  
"Good morning, Mary, Zelda" said Hilda smiling, Zelda was always baffled by her cheery mood in the mornings.  
"Goodmorning Hilda, Mary was just bringing Sabrina a book and she stayed for some tea" replied Zelda.  
"Well it's been lovely seeing both of you, but I think I'll be off now" said Mary finishing her tea.  
"Oh what's the hurry?, got a handsome man waiting for you at home?" Asked Hilda.  
Mary just smiled and shook her head.  
"No man? A lovely lady maybe?" Continued Hilda.  
"Oh no, but it's interesting that you asked" said Mary, almost blushing  
"Well Zelda has had her fair share of women, I just don't even think about it anymore" said Hilda chuckling. Zelda shot her an angry glance, but deep down she wanted Mary to know, she didn't really know why, maybe it was because she wanted Mary to know that she was an option.  
"I'm sorry about my sister, she always likes to know everyone else's business" said Zelda.  
"Don't worry, and maybe you should know that I've had my fair share of women too" replied Mary before walking out the door.


	2. Secrets Discovered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zelda's secret isn't so secret anymore, now there's only one question left, how long will it take for Lilith to tell hers?

The next morning Zelda was laying in her bed, in a much better mood than she had been when she woke up yesterday, she was thinking about Mary, she made her smile, and every time her face came to Zelda's mind, her heart seemed to flutter. 

Zelda wanted, no, needed to see Mary again. She couldn't come up with any believable excuse to visit, so she didn't. All until she had a large number of cookies left over from baking. Zelda liked to distract herself with many activities, baking being one of them, and this time she needed a lot of distracting, so she baked a lot more cookies than necessary.

Zelda placed the cookies in a box and made her way to Mary's house. She parked her car in Mary's driveway before knocking on her door. Zelda was greeted with a half asleep Mary still in her pajamas, Zelda smiled.  
"I baked some leftover cookies and I thought you might enjoy them" said Zelda handing Mary the box.

Zelda felt her heart flutter, she hadn't felt something like this in almost forever.

"Thank you, this is lovely" said Mary smiling "come inside, please" she continued.  
"Alright, but only for a bit" replied Zelda stepping inside, she would take any opportunity to see Mary.

"You look lovely" said Zelda, almost unable to take her eyes of Mary.  
"You look lovely too, but are you sure, I just woke up 15 minutes ago, I can't look that amazing" replied Mary smiling  
"Don't worry, you look very amazing" said Zelda, her vocabulary seemed to disappear around Mary, and she couldn't understand why whenever she looked into those deep blue eyes she seemed to forget everything she knew.

Mary invited Zelda to sit down on couch with her, and so she did, and they talked about their jobs, and what tea they preffered, but all Zelda could think about was kissing Mary.

"Zelda, I know you're not here to ask about Sabrina, or discuss tea, so what is it really?" Said Mary.  
"I came to give you cookies" replied Zelda.  
"That's not it either" said Mary   
"Alright, if you really want to know, I came because I like you, I like you so much, ever since you came over and I looked into your beautiful eyes you haven't left my mind. All this time I've been talking to you about tea and work, all I've thought about is kissing you" Zelda felt her heart beat faster than she thought possible "I- I didn't mean to say all of that it just came out, I'm so-"  
"I've been waiting to hear that" said Mary, cutting Zelda off "I really like you too" she continued before pressing her lips against Zeldas.

Zelda felt something she hadn't felt before, she didn't know what to call it but she knew it was beautiful and that she didn't want it to stop.

After they pulled apart Zelda's smile covered her face. She hadn't smiled in ages, at least not like this, smiling inside and out.

"I think you enjoyed that, how about we continue in the bedroom" said Mary smiling.  
"I think we absolutely should" replied Zelda.  
Both women felt like teenagers as they ran to Mary's bedroom. 

Mary pushed Zelda onto the bed and pressed another kiss on Zelda's lips.

Mary began to take Zelda's dress off, unzipping it, Zelda just hoped that she wouldn't see her scars in the dim lighting. Mary ran her fingers down Zeldas back, Zelda flinched and tried to move away.  
"What's wrong? Did I do something? I'm sorry" Said Mary visibly worried   
"No no it's nothing, I'm just- I don't know" replied Zelda.  
Mary turned on the lamp near her bed, Zelda flinched again.  
"Zelda tell me what's wrong" said Mary, fear and worry filling her words.  
"It's nothing to worry about, I promise" Zelda brushed off  
"Zelda- wh- why is your back covered in scars" said Mary her heart pounding with worry, what had Zelda done.  
"I'm just foolish. Foolish and mindless, I'm sorry" replied Zelda, she was terrified, she didn't need people knowing her darkest secret, her sister finding out was enough.  
"No don't apologize, tell me what they're from, please" said Mary.  
Zelda didn't reply but her eyes were filling up with tears.  
"Zelda, did you put them there yourself?" Asked Mary gently   
Zelda nodded, and she felt her stomach turn inside out.

Mary pulled Zelda toward her and held her close as Zeldas tears seeped into Mary's shirt.  
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" said Mary as she held Zelda close to her.  
"I should be the one apologizing, I've just ruined your morning, I'm sorry, I should just leave, I assume you don't want anything to do with me anymore" said Zelda.

Lilith hadn't felt something like this ever. She didn't get worried, she didn't feel empathy, or sympathy and she most certainly didn't feel scared, especially for other people.

"Zelda, when I said that I liked you I meant every part of you, the good, the bad, all of you, believe me when I say that I want everything to do with you" said Mary not wanting to let go of Zelda.  
"Thank you Mary, I don't know what I've done to deserve you" replied Zelda, tears falling down her face.  
Mary wiped the tears off Zelda's faceand placed a soft kiss on her cheek.  
"Zelda, tell me, are those all the scars, I just don't want any more surprises, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to" said Mary softly  
"Yes and no" replied Zelda taking a deep breath "a couple of days ag- ago I wasn't thinking and I- I just" said Zelda her breath hitching "I just-" she continued before just rolling up her sleeve "I'm sorry" she said  
"Please don't apologize" said Mary staring at Zelda's wrist, lines running across it, still red and angry.  
"Zelda" murmured Mary "I'm just, so sorry" she continued   
"Why are you sorry, you've done nothing wrong, I'm sorry you had to find out my secret like this" said Zelda   
"Seriously Zelda, stop apologising, you have nothing to be sorry for, just no more secrets ok, I like you too much" said Mary, she felt a bit hypocritical saying that because Lilith was hiding a huge secret herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is actually terrible, but maybe the next chapter will be better? Who am I kidding no it won't


	3. The Fear Of Losing You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilith couldn't bear to keep her secret from Zelda, but the fear of losing Zelda overwhelmed her. So she is left pondering if Zelda would still love her if she told the truth?

Zelda stayed in by Mary's side for a while, wrapping her arms around her and digging her face into the crook of her neck, her breath ghosting across Mary's skin as she held her close.

Lilith didn't know what she was feeling, she hadn't felt anything like this for a mortal, or anyone for that matter. Lilith was scared. Scared of ever losing Zelda, she was scared because Zelda could break her heart, she was scared because she hadn't ever felt like this, and she didn't want it to end.

Many hours of gentle conversations, tender kisses, and soft fingers running through soft hair passed. The two women had almost melted into the bed  
"I hate to leave you, but my family is probably wondering where I am, delivering cookies doesn't usually take this long" said Zelda a soft smile on her lips  
"It's ok, I understand, I can't keep you here forever, no matter how much I want to" said Mary smiling "let me just clean you up a bit" she continued before pulling a makeup wipe outof a draw and removing Zelda's smeared mascara.  
"Thank you, I forgot about that, I must have looked simply crazy" said Zelda with a soft laugh.  
"You still looked beautiful" replied Mary, she didn't understand where all these soft compliments were coming from, she had never behaved like this in front of anyone, so soft, so vulnerable. Zelda felt quite similarly, she couldn't believe she had opened up the way she did, she hadn't allowed herself to be so vulnerable with anyone before, especially not someone she had only known for a few days.  
"I'm sure I didn't that look beautiful" said Zelda.

Zelda placed a soft kiss on Mary's cheek before leaving.

Zelda opened the door to her home and was greeted with a very worried looking Hilda.  
"Where have you been, you had me worried sick" asked Hilda   
"I was just passing along some leftover cookies to Mary" said Zelda, trying to erase her sisters worry.  
"For five hours?" Said Hilda with a rather large amount of suspicion in her voice.  
"She invited me inside and we lost track of time" replied Zelda.  
"Of course" grumbled Hilda, knowing she wasn't going to get any other answers out of Zelda.

Lilith was sitting on her bed, feeling quite guilty. She didn't know what to do, she cared about Zelda more than she had ever cared about anything ever, and hiding her identity felt wrong, but she was terrified of Zelda not wanting anything to do with her if she spoke the truth. Hours passed and Lilith felt more and more guilty by the second. She was lost, so she rang the only person she could talk to, Zelda.

Zelda heard the phone ring and went to pick it up, she was answered by a very worried sounding Mary.  
"Is everything ok? You sound worried" said Zelda  
"Everything is fine, I just need to talk to you, in person" said Mary.  
"Of course, please come over, you might just have to climb in through my window, or else my family night suspect something, is that alright?" Said Zelda   
"Of course" replied Mary "I feel a bit like a teenager sneaking around without their parents permission" continued Mary laughing.  
"Perfect" said Zelda returning Mary's laugh "my window is on the left side of the building at the very top" she continued.  
"Wonderful, see you soon" replied Mary before hanging up. Zelda smiled and turned around to see Hilda behind her  
"Who was that?" She asked.  
"Just some prank callers" brushed off Zelda before making her way to her bedroom.

She locked the doors, and hoped Hilda wouldn't need anything from her bedroom.

Mary drove to Zelda's house but parked a few meters away, Zelda clearly wasn't ready to tell anyone about whatever it was that they had, and considering the news Lilith was bringing could end it all so fast, neither was Lilith.

She made it to the house and began to climb the old stone that covered the building, she managed to make it up to the window, and knocked on the glass, she was greeted by a smiling Zelda, oh Satan she was very nervous.

Zelda saw Mary's, slightly exhausted face behind her window and smiled, she opened the window and helped Mary into the room.  
"Thanks you letting me come over" said Mary smiling.   
Zelda planted a kiss on Mary's lips  
"Thank you for climbing up my house just to see me, it couldn't have been easy" she said with a soft laugh   
"It wasn't that bad, and look, I'm still in one piece" joked Mary.

Zelda pulled Mary onto her bed   
"I am just so happy to have found you Mary" said Zelda  
"But I'm not Mary." Stated Lilith her heart beating faster than ever.  
"What ever do you mean?" Replied Zelda quite concerned.   
"I don't know how to tell you this, ever since I told you "no more secrets" I've felt so guilty, I just have to tell you" said Lilith almost shaking.  
"Who are you? What are you trying to tell me, jus- just talk to me, please, you're scaring me" said Zelda, fear filling her voice.  
"I'm terrified. You're going to hate my guts if I tell you, you're going to leave me, I'm just sure of it" said Lilith  
"I could never hate you." Replied Zelda, she knew she couldn't, she was madly in love with the woman, even if she didn't even know who she was right now.  
"Don't- just, don't assume things" said Lilith.  
"I am not Mary Wardwell, I took her form, I a- I am- I-" Lilith tried to finish her sentance, but hot tears fell down her face, this was the third time she had ever cried in her lifetime, she had never got used to the sensation.  
"It's ok, take your time" said Zelda softly, wrapping her arms around Lilith.

Zelda's understanding words only made Lilith cry harder, she didn't understand how Zelda still loved her, considering how she was acting, Zelda didn't even know who she was right now, and she still loved her.

Zelda felt tears fall down her face, she couldn't bare to watch the woman she loved in such pain.

"My name is Lilith" she stated through her teary voice.  
"Lilith." Repeated Zelda.  
"Mother of demons" finished Lilith.  
"And there's so much more to it than that, I'm just so sorry" continued Lilith.  
"Don't apologise, please" said Zelda.  
"But I have so much to be sorry for" replied Lilith.

So she told Zelda everything. She told her about the task the Dark Lord had assigned her, the plan to get Sabrina to sign. She told her about how she had been behind the summoning of the Greendale thirteen and how she managed finally convince Sabrina to follow the path of night, and she told her everything she possibly could tell about her life as Mary Wardwell.

"I'm sorry Zelda, I shouldn't have done it, I shouldn't have listened to the Dark Lord, I see now I was wrong, the Dark Lord shouldn't have Sabrina, I'm just so sorry" Said Lilith with tears falling down her face.  
"And I understand if you want to leave me and never look me in the eyes again, and I understand if you want me to get out of your house right now, I just couldn't keep this secret forever, because I love you Zelda" blurted Lilith, except Lilith never blurted anything, and she was never nervous, she always knew what to say, but with Zelda it was different, and she didn't understand it.  
"I-" stuttered Zelda  
Lilith was filled with a panic, she wanted to run, she couldn't bear to to watch Zelda hate her, and she knew she would. Zelda wouldn't want to look at her after everything she had just told her.  
"I love you too, Lilith" said Zelda holding Lilith close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please!! Give!! Me!! Constructive!! Critisism!!! I need to improve my writing!!

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for throwing my coping mechanism at this website again, oops. Also this is a multi chapter fic, so I guess, get excited? I highly doubt anyone will be excited about multi chapter trash, but oh well.


End file.
